by Manpreet Dhillon | Nov 3, 2013 | Previous Content
Human Nature and Grieving (and my own pet peeves)
Over the last few months I have been observing human behavior and how people react to someone grieving, and the creation/unfolding of relationships. I have actually found the whole process quite interesting. It could be because I love understanding how humans function based upon their programming of how their families were, cultures are especially tied in with their personalities.
I have seen the formation and breakdown of quite a few relationships in the past few months. The formation of relationships were based on the fact some people wanted to have myself and my parents a part of their family because they were close to my brother while others were formed because individuals had gone through the same thing while there were others out of sympathy. Some were formed as it became apparent that our friendship meant more to us than what we had originally thought.
The breakdown of relationships occurred all based on assumptions. People who I considered close family and friends, assumed I needed to be left alone when they didn’t realize how alone one feels when they lose a loved one already. They didn’t realize it is times like this that those meaningless conversations mean the most as they are your sanity, they didn’t realize sitting there together but not talking meant more than any words. A lot of these assumptions were based on how people thought they would deal with the situation but it became very clear that communication and asking what people need from a relationship is so important. I personally have started to work towards communicating more of what people mean to me, how I see them in my life and asking them how they need me to show up.
I am very cautious when you see the sympathy in someone’s eyes for you. I wonder are they around because of sympathy or they want to. I am cautious that I do not want new relationships to form out of guilt or me being a replacement for my brother. This highlighted to me, the general mistrust of intentions that I guess have always lurked there but now along with all my other facets have been brought to surface.
In the last few months, I started exercising a lot of boundaries as to the conversations I wanted to have and with who. I found quite early on in this journey that other people’s time and agenda takes over the grieving families agendas. Why is it that as Indians, is it frowned upon to have scheduled “condolence” times? How is it fair to the family that for the first two months, you are constantly bombarded when people wanting to come over (sometimes unexpectedly) to give their condolences. If you haven’t come over in the first three weeks, you probably weren’t that close – just come for a visit and hang out with the family if you really care that much. We took a healing trip to India, and it amazing that we are still having to experience all of the raw emotions as these people have not seen us yet. Really, at this point, maybe let the family try to create their new “normal” instead of constantly reminding them of the pain and sadness they are feeling.
Then it is the awkward conversation of answering the question – “what have you been up to the last few month?” I personally have been very up front and mentioned that we are dealing with loss but it all depends on the circumstance. I lost out on some contracts because of the lack of follow-up on my end during the critical time, I thought was it awkward I mentioned why I didn’t follow-up but then I thought to myself – “Why do we avoid the conversation about death and grieving?”
Why is it considered taboo to talk about death and grieving without falling into sympathy? Can we as a society, realize it is a part of life? I have to be aware of ensuring that I do not bring up if I am having a bad day on special occasions so it does not look like I am taking away from their happiness. I am also aware of what is going on in other people’s lives even before I go into what is going on with me. In the last few weeks, I have been fortunate to spend time with a friend who allowed me the space to move through the emotions even if we were getting ready for a night out. We were dancing, I started crying at a song, we hugged and started dancing again. It was actually very relieving and beautiful to be able to experience this emotion and still have an evening that showed me again that the happiness is within me.
A few take-aways for those reading this:
1) Honor your emotions everyday. Do what you want to do when you want to do it. This permission should not be reserved for when you are grieving.
2) Allow others to experience what they are going through as if they experience it, they will move through it.
3) Communication is key. Ask the other person of what they need instead of assuming based on your own experience
4) Have compassion that the grieving person will act erratically and be unstable with their emotion. Try to understand that they are seeking a new identity and a new norm.
5) Just be yourself around those grieving. They need the normalcy.
6) If you haven’t been there for the person when they are grieving, be okay that they probably won’t have space for you in their lives either. It is those who are their at the toughest times that the good times should be celebrated with.
7) Use social media as a celebration of the person’s life. It is okay to admit you miss the person but not all status updates need to be about that. That is what the memorial page is for. For those who don’t want to see the reminders, are free to “unlike” the page.
8) Fun, happiness and celebration of life is what we should all focus on.
My purpose in this post is in hopes that death, grieving and dying become easier for everyone to deal with.
by Manpreet Dhillon | Oct 30, 2013 | Coaching
I am sure we have all been there, where there is a disagreement that is based on different perspectives of a situation which created misunderstandings and further miscommunication.
I admit I used to be one of those people who communicated better through email than in-person especially when I wanted to hear. I realized why I communicated better this way was because then the other person doesn’t have an opportunity to talk and I don’t have to deal with their emotions or their perspectives.
Did this work well? No it didn’t. It ended up being a one-sided conversation that usually didn’t get a response as the other person would just choose to not respond as they wanted to talk about it in person.
When it came to the in-person meeting, I would get nervous and anxious as now I knew that my ego was panicking. My ego didn’t know what to do with the situation on hand as now there may be a chance that I might be wrong.
Through learning about how to resolve conflict as a human resources professional, I decided to take up some of these techniques in my personal life.
I decided that if I had something I was not particularly happy with, I would address it almost immediately or at the best chance either on the phone or in-person (even over the phone is a little bit of being a chicken but for certain situations is better than sending emails or text messages). I would let the person know what is on my mind, ask them what their thoughts were on the situation and then we would have a discussion about it. At this point, there is a more of a mutual understanding that could lead to resolution of some sorts. There are cases that these conversations may lead to an amicable end to a relationship. I also soon released that there are others who do not like conflict, do not like to discuss their values and feelings nor do they like to come to amicable resolutions unless they are right. In a workplace, both parties would be called in for a meeting to discuss what has happened, in personal relationships there is no management to make this happen.
So what does one do when the conflict resolution techniques do not work in personal relationships?
One of the best resources on conflict that I found was this article:
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/eq8_conflict_resolution.htm
It helped to understand why conflict occurs, the responses to it and how to move through it.
I write this article as a reflection of the past conflicts in my life that I wish I had dealt with differently, with more understanding and more awareness.
by Manpreet Dhillon | Sep 20, 2013 | Previous Content
Recently I had a realization that I am not a “fun” messenger. No, not messenger in the way of olden days like msn, a page or courier but a messenger in terms of texting, emailing, Facebooking, Tweeting, etc.
Me, being me, I started to have a complex and started to ask others if “I really wasn’t a fun texter?” I was answered with “well, you are funnier on the phone or in person,” and “yes, you aren’t funny when you text.”
I started to think about why am I am not a fun messenger. There could be a variety of reasons but a few may be:
*I just don’t care to be funny
*I rather just type and get it done
*I like human interactions that include voice, tone and emotion
*I use messaging for getting in touch for a purpose not to maintain relationships
*maybe I don’t have anything funny to say
*Maybe I am just not funny in writing.
These were the top few before I started getting a headache of trying to figure out a reason why.
I didn’t come to a conclusion of why I am not a funny messenger but I did come to the conclusion that to me relationships that mean something to me, I need the personal touch. I need to hear the voice, tone and emotion. When I am out, I try not to be on my phone as I realized I want to be present with the people who I am with. This is something I am still working on but I realize when I spend a lot of time on my phone, I am avoiding intimacy with who I am with. Is there anything more important than who is sitting in front of me at that moment? No, so why am I am making them feel that way?
I also realized that I personally would rather have a 5 minute conversation rather than text someone for days on end. The 5 minute conversation will allow us to truly connect instead of hiding behind technology. Yes, texting/messaging has it’s place. It is a great way to keep in touch when you are busy, or you just want to quickly touch base but it is not the way to maintain the important relationships in my life.
As much as I enjoy the days of text messaging conversations, I would much rather have a short phone call to really connect.
To my friends and families, I apologize that I am not a fun messenger. If you want the fun me, just call me or see each other in person as I know I will be fun then.
by Manpreet Dhillon | May 22, 2013 | Coaching, Community
In the next few weeks, there are many exciting things happening in my life including travel and some really inspiring events (I will include links to the inspiring events on the bottom of this post). My travel all transpired organically and very last minute, which reminded me of how when we live in the flow we are easily able to manifest what we want.
I am gearing up to meet Amma in Seattle this weekend (check out my post last year on the purest love I experienced with her-http://bit.ly/12NjYza), then I am off to Hawaii and Fiji! I am living my dream of working off my laptop on an exotic beach;) All of this last minute travel has been teaching me quite a bit about myself especially around my relationship with money and people. I noticed that as I had started to spend quality time with people who I felt uplifted and inspired around, money and opportunities started to flow my way.
The Queen of Earth card below from the Angel Tarot Cards shows us how we can create magic all around us if we stay connected to our surroundings, spend quality time with individuals who we leave feeling refreshed and renewed and she especially shows us that bringing in compassion into situations allows us to have positive outcomes to challenges.
Have you realized that when you are happy and feeling healthy, that everything seems to be better? When we are in the flow of life, relationships are better, there is more opportunities coming your way and all your manifestations are coming true. Wouldn’t it be great to feel this way all the time?
It is possible that you can. It is a choice you make to “BE” happy, “BE” content and “BE” present around the people you enjoy spending time with. If you notice diverging from any of these states, ask yourself “am I avoiding intimacy,” or “how do I feel around these individuals?” I will remind you that no one can make you feel any which way, if someone makes us tired or a little negative than we are allowing someone else to determine how we feel. If you notice that you are constantly feeling a little more down around a certain person, ask yourself “what is it that they remind me of that gets me feeling anything less than positive?”
I know that this post is loaded with relationship related questions that we will unpack over the next couple of weeks as we gear up for the 4 part – call series on Attracting more Money and Live Healthier.
I will leave you off with an exercise to visit your current list of family and friends and see who you feel the most refreshed around, rejuvenated and inspired by. I would suggest spending more time around those individuals and watch how much more grateful you are towards life then!
Exciting Events coming up
June 19th – “Truths and Myths of Successful Startup Businesses” – www.byobfsuccessstartup.eventbrite.ca
Come learn from experts and entrepreneurs on tips on how to have a successful startup.
June 20th – “Wealthylicious Vancouver” – http://wealthyliciousvancouver.eventbrite.com/
Heal Your Money Stories, Activate Your Millionaire Mindset and Create Multiple Streams of Income.
July 8th – “Attract More Money and Live Healthier” – http://wp.me/P1HP20-7M
A 4 tele-call series on Attracting more Money and living healthier focusing on money mindset, and a 30-day action plan to achieve your goals. (A tele-call series is a group coaching program, where you will be provided a conference call number to dial into during call times and will be sent a recording incase you miss the live class. Email support is provided in between calls to answer all questions you may have)
by Manpreet Dhillon | Oct 16, 2012 | Previous Content
In a recent conversation with a friend about the insecurities that come up in relationships, I was reminded of a practice that I had started a few months ago. This practice started when I realized there were times that I was not seeing my own value, worth or the sense of accomplishment that others see in me.
This was a tough place fro me to be in. I knew that others had high regard for me for many different reasons, but it was not until I started to see myself from the perspective of the other person that I started to have a new sense of value for myself, my passions and how I contribute to the relationships that I am in.
Have you ever thought of why is that person so interested in getting connected to me or getting to know me?
If you were to take a point and see yourself from that person’s eyes, how would they see me? What would they see as my good qualities? Why would they want to have me in their life?
Allow yourself to sit in this feeling for a little while and get familiar with it. It is the feeling that you know that you may have been avoiding for a while but it is time to embrace how worthy and valuable you are of everything that you receive.
Isn’t it so great to know that you really are that wonderful?
Ishu Kler is a photographer and Social Media Manager at Veza Global. She currently owns and operates a freelance photography company called Ishu Kler Creative where she specializes in branding, portrait and event photography. Born and raised in Vancouver, B.C., her love and passion for photography led Ishu to travel and live in New Delhi, India, where she obtained her Diploma in Photography. She also travelled to Costa Rica in 2015, where she obtained her Certificate in Documentary Photography from Photographers Without Borders.
Kelsey is a passionate Multimedia Designer & Communications Specialist with a diploma in Multimedia Production and over nine years of diverse design experience in different areas of the world including roles within multinational in-house marketing teams Microsoft and Technetix, marketing agencies and freelance. These experiences have led her to develop strong use of design principles, skills in Adobe Creative Cloud, knowledge in motion graphics and video editing, and knowledge in creating effective communication for a wide range of audiences and cultures.
